Love Drunk.

Okay, I am officially hopelessly dangerously in love with him.

Let’s just summarize the shit I did this week.

During Albert’s* farewell, Robert* and I had a talk. And that lead to Harry* concluding that we should just be friends and that I should give Rob a chance because we’ve known each other longer. And then Harry started distancing himself from me. -.- And then on Thursday when Rob and Al came to see me, Harry refused to meet them but they made their way in to meet him anyway so yeah. They met. Awkward. But Rob’s like, “shit, he looks like a nice guy,” so that means he sorta approves of Harry? Anyway, this ass of a guy named Harry kept surrendering to his own fight by saying I look happy with them, but then again, he’s stupid. Even Natalie* couldn’t tell. She’s just as blur. But my dear “daddy” saw, even if it was from a distance and it was just a short while, that I was quite unhappy with the situation I was in. Only he could see that I wasn’t very happy talking to Rob. Sigh.

Oh, and all this bouts of drama plus the untimely PMS urged me to cry, but I did my best to hold it in, at least until I was home, but then I couldn’t hold back any longer after my shitty performance for the Tarian Lilin. I mean, I only had 2 days to master it, and I still couldn’t even get the turning part down pat so yeah, it was only natural for me to cry. Of course, the PMS played a big role in this over-emotional part of me. Best part is, other people thought that I was awesome for crying because it showed that I was really putting my heart in this. Well, it is true after all. I really was putting my heart in my performances. But I screwed up everything, so all the more reason for me to just break down, right? Anywho, Harry saw me cry for the first time. And he said he liked to see me cry, not because he liked seeing me hurt, but because he liked the fact that I can be so weak and vulnerable around him and not macho and tough all the time. I know, people like it when I cry. -.-

Fast forward to MKM night, I’m so glad it’s over, but at the same time I’m upset that it is because I know I’m gonna miss MKM practices and everyone in MKM. And once again, I cried. In front of everyone. While I was on the phone with Nadia. I was telling her how I was happy that I could finally see Khalilah again, because I miss her so much and she misses me just as much, and I was telling her how much I regretted not being able to sing the birthday song. Also, other factors that contributed to the tears I shed were because Harry was with his ex. I felt like dying. Hence, the reason why I suddenly feel so awfully pathetic because he has been distancing himself from me and I felt as if he was ignoring me. Nadia called him and texted him telling him things that I didn’t want him to know but hey, secret’s out already and there’s nothing I can do about it. So anyway, he confronted me, and I told him that I felt like he was ignoring me and his reason was because he was tired. Pssh. If you were that tired, why were you as your usual self with everyone else except for me? Why did you have a nice and long chat with the juniors when you once told me you don’t mingle with juniors? I mean, if you really liked me, my presence and my smile should make you energetic. I would know because that’s what my previous admirer told me. After all, Harry did mention how he loves my gorgeous smile. Oh, then he confessed that he wanted us to be just friends and get to know each other better first because he’s terrified of moving onto another relationship because of the shit thing his ex did to him, so that kinda explains.

And today, I feel even more pathetic after sending a message to him saying how I felt pathetic because he was ignoring me, which made him call me immediately to “explain” (read between the lines: give an excuse) that he’s going to be super busy so he won’t have much time for me, which is also another “reason” why he decided to just be friends with me, methinks. After the call I just felt even more pathetic. I understand that he has other commitments and all, I do too, but he just doesn’t seem to get what I’m trying to get at here. I’m trying to show him that I want us to be like before, you know, affectionate and all, but he’s just treating me like how he would treat a complete stranger. Me no likey. So then he sent me a text, which I replied to but he didn’t reply back and this makes me feel even more pathetic. I’m so fucking pathetic. I need start taking control of my own life. I need to remind myself that I don’t need a guy, I need myself, my friends and my family. Relationships can wait.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention that ever since Thursday I stopped wearing the bracelet he gave me. I did it to show that I didn’t need him, but in all actuality the past few days were when I needed him most. But he pretended like he didn’t care. He mentioned about it though, but he seemed like he didn’t give a damn about whether I wore it or not. So I made a vow to myself saying I’ll never wear it until he gives in and just fucking tell me he loves me, but then I kinda broke my own vow because I started wearing it again today due to this pathetic and lonely feeling. New vow: Never wear it in public(mostly in college). I’m trying to recover my old self again. I’m healing myself from this inevitable heartbreak and I’m building a stronger wall around myself, which I shall not let down anymore until he lets his wall down first.

Alrighty then, I think that’s enough ranting. For now.

Till I feel even more pathetic,

Nabs.

Song choice for pathetic people like me:

1. Keunggulan Cinta by Bumiputera Rockers (Harry lip-synced this song for MKM)

2. Untukmu by Feminin (I lip-synced this song for MKM. LOL.)

3. Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 feat. Christina Aguilera

4. Rolling in the Deep by Adele

5. Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri

6. POV by McFly

7. Unholy Confessions by Avenged Sevenfold

8. Circles by Mariah Carey

9. Breakeven by The Script

10. Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

11. Dangerously in Love by Beyonce

12. Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

13. The Boy Is Mine by Monica and Brandy

14. Lies by Marketa Irglova and that dude in the movie Once

15. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing by Jack Johnson

16. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

17. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room by John Mayer

And I think that’s about it for now.

PS: The * represents pseudonyms of a real person’s name, which is clearly different in every post. LOL.

PPS: Harry just texted me, telling me not to sleep too late because I need my rest. I’mma pretend like I’ve been asleep ages ago and not reply that text. I’m a wuss, I know.