Afiq Has Just Left The Building.

I can’t believe it. You’re doing this to me just when you’re leaving. Some friend you are. >:( Okay, just because I unconsciously ignored you after your confession and you feel hurt, you need to understand that I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose, I just didn’t know what to do with us and I didn’t know how to face this. And also I was busy as per usual. I understand that the cruelty and the cold-shoulder is just to get back at me, but you can’t blame me for being busy. That’s just in my nature, I thought everyone knew that. And I was the one who still planned your farewell party, exclude the fact that I came empty-handed, even when I had practices EVERYDAY. I. GO. TO. MY. FUCKING. COLLEGE. EVERYDAY. AT. 9AM. AND I ONLY COME HOME AT 12AM. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING TIRING THAT IS? OBVIOUSLY NOT.

Okay okay, I don’t want to be complaining about my hectic schedule right now. It’s something nobody will ever understand. Yeah sure thanks a lot man, for being there for me all this while and everything, but when I’m in my most broken and vulnerable state only you decide to be cruel to me just so that I can get a taste of my own medicine. I admit I deserve it, and I’m truly, sincerely sorry for treating you that way before. It wouldn’t have fucking hurt if I wasn’t already hurt, mind you. My wall is gone, thus I’m more sensitive and vulnerable now. So why now when my heart has no protections against anything? Because karma bites back twice as hard.

You do know that one of the reasons I started praying was because of you, right? And when I do pray, I mention you in my prayers. Because you were leaving for the States and I wanted to ask Allah to watch over you and make sure you don’t stray away from the right direction because I’m not gonna be there for you 24/7 to watch your back. I knew I lost you. No wonder you’re so distant from me these days. YOU’RE THE ONE IGNORING ME, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can’t believe that all the times we had, the ups and the downs we shared are all just a distant memory now. It’s like we can’t even communicate anymore. What ever happened to my “twin”, my brother-from-another-mother, my best friend?

We were good the way we were before. Why change? You confessing and me not being able to connect with my feelings doesn’t mean we can’t still be the best of friends. I think we all know that I’ve always had this wall around myself to protect my heart from any heartbreak. Of course, I knew one day I would get my heart broken, but I thought I’d be able to get back on my feet before I know it. But that’s not what got down, was it? One of the reasons why I wasn’t even sure if I had feelings for you was because of that wall, you know. But now that my wall has been brought down, and I’m finally synched with my feelings, I know that I don’t have feelings for you. Because I can only see you as my best friend, my brother, nothing more. You know that, right? After Helmi brought down my wall and hurt me, I was hoping that you’d be there for me because I couldn’t get Rez. But instead you went and hurt me even more. Thanks a lot, friend.

I don’t think you know how much I really appreciate you as a friend. You’re a great friend, you’re a true friend, but sometimes when your feelings get in the way you tend to act the opposite of all that. I understand that you’re hurt and frustrated, I sincerely apologize for that. I’m really sorry for not showing you how much you mean to me, and for not being able to spend the remaining of your time here with you like I promised to earlier this year. I got myself a job, something I was forced to do, and then I started college, which I was forced too as well, but you can’t blame me for making myself even busier by joining performing arts club and MKM. You of all people should know better that it’s my passion, to dance and perform. Be it on stage or in my own room. So you can’t blame me for being busy. I’m just like that. I’m a career woman after all. I don’t do emotions.

So anyway, moving onto what you did to me today that really really hurt me. I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT TRYING MY BEST AT DOING ARTSY FARTSY STUFF FOR YOUR SCRAPBOOK AND SKETCHBOOK, AND ALL I GET IS AN “OH, THANKS”?! WELL, THANKS BUDDY, FOR TEARING MY HEART INTO TINIER LITTLE PIECES. In case you didn’t know, right after MKM I had exactly one week to study for my exam, which I obviously didn’t even when I went for group studies with my classmates. They all did study, but I was too depressed to concentrate. And then came my exams, and I screwed it, which means I FUCKING SCREWED UP THE REST OF MY LIFE. WHY? BECAUSE IF I SCREW MY PAPER, NO MORE DANCING FOR ME. You understand the meaning of PASSION, right? Then you should know how much dancing means a lot to me seeing as I can no longer cheer. Parents control my life. Meaning, I will never be the same again. It’s bad enough that I was depressed because I was heartbroken, and I risked having my passion taken away from my life, but you just had to add salt to my wounds by not giving me any reaction at all.

And throughout the day, you barely talked to me. You were glued to Hazim the whole fucking time, I barely got the chance to have a heart-to-heart talk with you. And your half-hearted hug and abrupt goodbye just made it all the more painful for me to see you leave. It’s like, you’re really happy that you’re leaving all your friends here. I mean, I know this is what you’ve been dreaming of since forever and you’re finally on your journey to achieving that dream, but you didn’t have to make it seem as if you were glad to leave us all behind. Leave ME behind. At least, you shouldn’t have done that to the guys, it was me you wanted to take revenge on, right? Why put them on the spot? Don’t do this to the others, Fiq. It’s just you and me. We all really do love you and we’ll miss you like fuck, but you didn’t have to be cold-hearted towards our affections.

Anyway, I’m really happy for you. You’re finally pursuing your dreams. I hope you cope well and I’m sure you’ll do just fine there. Just, don’t forget me, k? Don’t forget any of us, we’re all still here waiting for your return. I know it’s most highly unlikely for you to come back to Malaysia permanently because once you start your career you’ll be in US, but do pay us a visit every once in a while? I miss you, old buddy. :/ Lastly, don’t forget who you are. You’re Afiq Feisal, you’re one of the awesomes, one of the gaytards, you’re a geek, you’re an avid gamer, you’re retarded, you’re crazy, you’re everyone’s bro, you’re lame, you’re everything to me. I may not love you in that way, Fiq, but I definitely love you so fucking much.  I’ll pray for you whenever I do. In fact, when I pray, the only thing I ask for myself is to get back on my feet. I ask for your wellness and success, and for you to start praying too because me, Naj, and your mum are not there to keep reminding you to. I ask for Nadia’s happiness with her new boyfriend, and for Abigail and Steph (my friend) to have a speedy recovery. I ask for my parents’ health and wellness. I can’t even ask for my own success because I know I don’t deserve the rights to ask that much for myself.

All our friends in high school have all gone their own ways. It’s getting harder for us to have our usual outings and gatherings now because everyone else has their own schedule to follow. I’m sorry that most of us didn’t have a schedule that made way for you, Fiq. You can’t be mad at us for not making time for you, and only making time for you at the very last minute. I only had time for you now because I’m finally on my semester break. Freedom at last. But yet you still push me away. You know how devastated I am to find out that you didn’t even care? Some friend you are, Fiq. And here I was writing in your scrapbook about how much we appreciate you as a friend and all that. You can be very dense sometimes, really.

Anywho, I hope you enjoy, which I’m sure you will, the life in San Francisco. Like I said, always keep in contact or I’mma cut your balls off! Thank your mum for me, if you ever read this, for providing us the venue for your farewell and all that she’s done for us. I never got the chance to properly thank her. Keep your chin up, big boy. Even if you don’t want to keep in contact with me, at least do with Abi and HC, because they’re the closest to me and I wanna know how you’re doing and what you’ve been up to.

By the way, you made me cry. You’re the only other guy who’s ever made me cry. Okay, besides my dad, you and Helmi are the only ones who have ever made me cry. And I mean not in a good way.

 

Song of the day:

1. POV by McFly
2. Too Close For Comfort by McFly
3. I’ll Be Okay by McFly
4. Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
5. Almost Easy by Avenged Sevenfold
6. What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts
7. Seize the Day by Avenged Sevenfold
8. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol